A parent or mentor cannot control every influence on a young man. But he can control the quality of his own example, the standards he sets, the responsibilities he entrusts and the environment he helps create.
Parents and mentors have good reason to be concerned about young men.
Many are anxious, distracted, passive or easily discouraged. Some seem convinced that their lives are being directed by other people, institutions, algorithms, bad luck or an unfair world. They can explain at length why they are stuck. They are often much less certain about what they might do next.
That should concern us. But it should also make us look in the mirror.
It is easy for an adult to blame screens, schools, social media, a weak culture or “kids these days.” There is truth in some of those concerns. The culture is not neutral. It trains young men toward consumption, distraction and complaint.
But a parent or mentor who stops there has quietly adopted the same posture he hopes to correct. He has surrendered his own influence.
The question is not whether the world is making formation harder. It is. The question is whether we still believe our choices, standards and example can shape the young man in front of us.
They can.
The Shift Begins With the Adult
Psychologists use the phrase locus of control to describe where a person believes the power over his life mainly resides.
An external locus of control says, “My life is determined by circumstances, other people and forces I cannot answer.”
An internal locus of control says, “Circumstances matter, but so do my choices. I can act. I can learn. I can become more capable.”
No thoughtful person believes a young man controls everything. He does not choose his family, his temperament, the state of the culture or every hard thing that comes his way. Pretending otherwise is not wisdom.
But hardship does not remove responsibility.
A young man needs adults who help him distinguish between what he cannot change and what remains squarely in front of him. He needs to hear, with patience and conviction, “Yes, this is hard. Now what is yours to do?”
That question restores agency.
Grace Is Not the Absence of Standards
Grace matters deeply. A young man will fail. He will be inconsistent. He will make excuses, lose his temper, waste time and sometimes disappoint the people who love him.
He does not need humiliation. But grace is not permission to lower the standard until nothing is required of him.
A parent or mentor can be compassionate without becoming soft. He can understand a boy’s fear without arranging his life around it. He can acknowledge disappointment without allowing it to become an identity. He can forgive failure and still expect the young man to repair what he can, learn what he must and try again.
That is not cruelty. It is respect.
Low expectations do not communicate love. They communicate doubt. They tell a young man, often without words, that the adults around him do not believe he can carry much weight.
A clear standard says something better: “I know this is difficult. I also believe you are capable of more than you are showing right now.”
Influence Works Through Persuasion and Environment
Most formation does not happen through one stirring speech. It happens through the steady climate of a home, a shop, a classroom, a team or a friendship.
The adult helps set that climate by keeping his word, doing ordinary work without theatrical complaint and refusing to blame everyone else for his frustrations. He treats responsibility as part of a meaningful life rather than an interruption of one.
He also arranges the environment wisely.
Give a young man something real to do. Let it matter to other people. Expect him to show up. Let him feel the ordinary consequence when he does not. Teach him a skill that produces a visible result. Allow him to solve smaller problems before life requires him to solve larger ones.
Do not rescue him from every inconvenience. Do not manage every detail so thoroughly that he never has to manage himself.
This is not abandonment. It is deliberate repositioning.
The goal is not to leave a boy alone with his weakness. It is to move him, step by step, from being managed by life toward becoming a man capable of managing part of it himself.
As I wrote in The Formation of Competence, competence changes a person’s relationship to the world. A young man who can repair something, earn something, carry something, build something or care for someone else gains evidence that effort can become ability.
That evidence is hard to argue with.
The Research Points in the Same Direction
This is not merely an older generation’s instinct.
A peer-reviewed panel study of locus of control and subjective well-being found that a more internal locus of control was associated with greater life satisfaction and better mental health. More active habits and stronger social engagement helped explain part of that relationship.
That does not mean a parent can manufacture confidence by saying the right words. It does mean agency is more than a nice idea. It is connected to how people live.
Young men who believe their actions matter are more likely to act. As they act, they gain competence, relationships and evidence that make further action possible.
This is one reason commanding attention matters. A boy who cannot direct his attention will struggle to direct much else. It is also why responsibility must be concrete. General encouragement rarely changes much. Real work often does.
Faith Gives Purpose Its Proper Shape
Christian faith does not tell a young man that he is master of the universe. It tells him something truer.
He is a creature made by God, given real duties, real choices and real work to do. He cannot control every outcome. He is still responsible for his response.
He can pray for wisdom, then prepare. He can trust God with the result, then keep his word. He can receive grace after failure, then take the next faithful step.
That is not a crushing burden. It is a release from helplessness.
Purpose does not require a young man to discover one dramatic destiny before he begins living. It starts much closer to home. It begins when he understands that his life is not disposable, that his choices matter and that he has something worthwhile to carry.
Your Influence Is Still Real
If you are a parent or mentor, do not surrender your influence because the culture is loud.
You do not need control over every app, every school policy, every friend or every thought that enters a young man’s mind. You do need to take responsibility for the influence already yours.
Set the standard. Keep the relationship. Give him real responsibility. Let him experience the dignity of becoming useful. Offer grace when he fails, but do not make failure his permanent address.
A young man may begin by blaming everything outside himself. Many do. But a faithful adult can help him ask a better question:
“What can I do next?”
That question is small enough to answer. It is also the beginning of a life.
Put It Into Practice
Choose one area where you may be carrying too much for a young man in your life.
Do not withdraw your support. Reposition it.
Give him a clear responsibility, a standard he understands and enough room to own the result. Then talk with him afterward. Ask what worked, what did not and what he can handle next.
That is not stepping back from formation.
That is how formation begins.